Hiding in Plain Sight: Michael Hansen's Story

Making the transition from drinking excessively to not drinking at all in college and in your younger twenties is weird. On one hand, you feel like the odd one out. You feel awkward and somewhat lonely because you literally aren’t doing the one thing that all of your friends and peers seem to be doing. Alcohol surrounds you. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not reminded that I don't drink. On the other hand, you feel sort of unique. I mean, like I said, you literally aren't the one thing that all of your friends and peers seem to be doing. Because of this, I've found it 's easier to develop connections with sober people around my age. We’ve all lived through our various experiences with alcohol abuse, and even though the circumstances for each of our stories are completely different, there’s this unspoken connection that we share.

Many of these connections I have made have been with people online. I've never actually met anyone else my age that is sober. Because sobriety at this age is so rare, finding someone else to relate to in my circle is like finding a special treasure. One of these people was Michael Hansen.

Michael is graduated now, but we attended the same college and share mutual friends. I don't normally reach out to people that I don't know, but with sobriety, it felt as though Michael and I already shared an unspoken connection. We have both lived through the vicious cycle that is alcohol addiction, and have made it out on the other side. I’m not saying that I deeply understand what he went through in any way. Only he knows that. But sharing this unspoken understanding made me feel easy about reaching out to him.

I reached out to Michael because I’ve been wanting to bring a guy's perspective about sobriety in college onto this blog. I expected Michael to write about how his fraternity’s binge drinking behaviors led him down a path of self-destructive drinking...but that wasn’t the case at all. Instead, Michael writes about how going to college and joining a fraternity allowed him to hide his already present problems in plain sight. My expectations were a prime example of the notion that you can never assume what anyone else is going through. Michael's story is raw, real, and honest.

Thank you, Michael, for taking the time to share your journey through your writing. Your vulnerability and courage will inspire many people!

Michael's Story

“My name is Michael, I’m an alcoholic.” – I’ll never forget the first time I said this. Saying these words aloud was complicated. I was scared of the admittance of something I thought to be a weakness. While scared, I was offered freedom the first time these words left my mouth. It put an end to years questioning, explaining and regrets. I knew who I was in that moment, I knew that I was beginning a journey. I was refreshed, hopeful and relieved that I could begin to look for solution where I previously only experienced difficulty.

For as long as I can remember, I was without happiness. I lived in fear, insecurity and in the shoes of who I thought others wanted me to be. For these reasons, I turned to many “solutions”. I changed who I was, I lied and I put on a face of strength in times of weakness. My story is not unique, certainly every person has experiences and circumstances that make their life their own. We all have different experiences, but my problems were not and are not unique to me. I learned that I experienced life as many others do, with lack of certainty and with questions that cannot be answered by logic.

I have been extremely blessed and am not ignorant to the beauty of my upbringing. I was born into a family with two loving parents and was lucky enough to have three siblings whom I loved and who loved me. I have been well educated, loved, and have been afforded every opportunity for happiness and success at each corner my life path has taken me. Still, like many people before me and many to come after me, I was born with a hole in my spirit that could not be filled by conventional means.

I thought I would never be able to “be myself” and that I would never be happy. It was not until finding drugs and alcohol that I was able to feel whole. Substances worked for a long time to instill a sense of belonging with others and to make me confident. I started drinking in high school and soon experienced the comfort and ease I sought. Following my introduction to alcohol came my introduction to legal trouble. I received several misdemeanor charges and avoided several more while becoming a budding alcoholic. These issues were pushed away and sold as “normal teenager issues” and “learning lessons”. What was not normal was sneaking extra shots or extra hits or the reasons for which I felt like I needed “just one more”. 

Following my introduction to substances, I began my college career. Leaving home allowed me to forge my own path in the world and to dive deeper into the extracurricular activities that freed me from the shackles of anxiety and depression. Being in college allowed me to hide my habits in plain sight, party culture gave way to blackout drinking. Fraternity culture allowed me to revel in my ways. My college time very much parallels my experience in high school and early life. I immersed myself into groups and changed who I was to fit in with others, although I truly never felt like I fit in. I only felt comfortable while drunk or high.

For a while this seemed to go well, I was not experiencing legal trouble and I thought I was finding myself, I tricked myself into thinking I was truly happy. However, depression and anxiety overwhelmed me during my second year. I became unable to attend class, I lost my appetite, I threw up every morning and lost thirty pounds. I was suicidal, scared and sad. I asked for help. I began to address my depression and anxiety to the best of my ability. While I took steps in a positive direction, the path to happiness I was on enabled the introduction of prescription drugs to my life. Naturally, this path gave way to further drug abuse. I will never forget the freedom I felt upon taking my first pull. I was able to go to class again, I was able to participate in a social life, and I developed a sense of confidence. 

“Being in college allowed me to hide my habits in plain sight...”

My junior and senior year of college followed suit. I strode further down the road to freedom that drugs and alcohol offered. Hospital visits, legal trouble, family troubles, strife, and sadness followed. At this point in my life and story as a person in recovery the details are unimportant. All that matters is that the hole in myself I sought to fill with substances was unable to be filled. I began to want more than anything else, to quit. Despite daily promises to change, I could not. I was unable to stop myself from drinking on my own will power. Upon the culmination of many negative consequences to myself and those around me, I gave up. I once again asked for help, with the sincerest hope and desire to turn my life around. 

Following asking for help, thanks to my family and the many people that have walked my path before me, I was able to join a recovery program. I took time away from school, moved, and entered a rehabilitation program. I began to unpack the reasons that I drank and learned about the disease that myself and 13% of the United States population suffered from. I learned that the problems I attempted to address by drinking were unable to be solved without a true desire for change and without spiritual help. However, my story was not over. After seven months of sobriety, I made a conscious decision to drink again under the notion that I would be able to drink normally. In short, I was mistaken. Following my decision to drink again came the fast realization and understanding that this was impossible. Just as before, once a substance entered my body, I was unable to stop. I faced the same consequences I was all too familiar with. One drink was never enough for me, and I know that it never will be enough. 

I was at the end of the rope once again, and was afforded another opportunity to get sober and to throw myself back into the recovery community. This is not to say that life became easy. In fact, the lowest I have ever felt was three months sober. This is normal, without alcohol as a coping mechanism and without embracing the changes I would need to make to be fulfilled, I was lost. I knew that I could not live with alcohol as a part of my life and I did not yet understand how I could live without it. Thanks to those in recovery around me, I began to see recovery in work. I saw the importance of; admitting defeat, of joining in arms with others, of surrendering to the unknown, and of embracing change. Today these habits are part of my daily life and thanks to these habits, I experience freedom from alcohol and drugs. 

“I knew that I could not live with alcohol as a part of my life and I did not yet understand how I could live without it.”

Today I am two years sober. I am two years free of abuse. I am two years free of unwelcome consequences. I am two years free of daily regrets. This does not mean that I am free forever, as many other recovering alcoholics, I experience hard days. If I am not diligent and honest, there may be a day in which I succumb to old habits of thinking, the same habits which allowed me to justify the first drink after seven months of sobriety. Conversely, if I continue to practice the thinking and habits that work for me and all others in the recovery community, I never have to drink or use again. I will be able to experience life with a clear mind and a full heart. I know that I never have to drink again, and today, I never want to drink again. Life is more rewarding for me, my relationships are fuller, my hope is greater, my love is stronger and my happiness is greater than ever before as a sober man. 

Thanks to all I have experienced and learned, the hole in my spirit is filled. For that I am grateful and proud. I cannot wait for what the future holds for me, I embrace the unknown and an understand that life will continue to surprise and challenge me. I know the coming struggles will pass and that I can choose happiness daily. I know that my life is better now than ever before and that sobriety will continue to bless me with gifts I cannot yet imagine. As I have said, my story is not unique, my path is well known, it will be walked again and again. I will be there for all others who walk this path and hope to repay what has been freely given to me. 

I’m Michael, I’m an alcoholic. I thank you for reading my story and thank all those who have been a part of my growth. My only hope and goal in writing is that my story brings light to those struggling. If one person is helped by anything I have written, that is more than enough for me.