Why I Can't Have "Just One" Drink

The roof of my college home is the ideal place to layout and tan. It’s angled towards the sun perfectly and there is always a nice lil breeze flowing that prevents me from getting too sweaty. As I lay here, I must admit that nothing sounds better than sipping on an ice-cold, Mango WhiteClaw and feeling that friendly little buzz.

However, I know that one White Claw will turn into more and the friendly buzz will turn into being flat-out drunk…so it’s in my best interest to stick to sipping my lukewarm La Croix.

Now you may be thinking, “One White Claw? That couldn’t do any harm”, but that is where you are wrong sir. You see this has always been my problem, ever since I began drinking as a teenager. I never knew when to stop. Er…correction. I knew when it was probably a good time to stop, I just didn’t know how.

I was always the one who wanted to take one more shot at the pregame, and the one who wanted to keep drinking when everyone else wanted to go to bed.

At parties, I could go into the night with good intentions, setting limits for myself beforehand. But after a few shots lowered my inhibitions, my limits went out the window, and I would drink with no intention of stopping.

I think it is safe to say that one of the worst feelings in the world is hearing about something awful or embarrassing that you did or said without any having any recollection of doing or saying it. I became very familiar with this feeling, and I was frustrated that I allowed it to continually happen.

For years I have tried (and failed) to moderate my drinking. And for years my drinking has propelled me into feelings of shame, guilt, and frustration.

Why couldn’t I stick to my limits, even after making promises to my friends and myself that I would?

Why did I allow myself to constantly continue with this self-destructive behavior?

Why couldn’t I drink like a “normal” person?

Over the past few years, I knew that my friends and family had become concerned about me, and I wanted so badly to be able to stick to the promises that I would make them: promises of cutting back, moderating, and setting limits to how much I drank. Some of these promises would stick for a while, but they were almost always followed by yet another morning of waking up wondering what happened the night before. I sensed that the people around me could not understand why I continued to drink the way that I did. I became frustrated and angry, not able to fully understand it myself.

It wasn’t until I decided to see a therapist last November that I finally learned to stop beating myself up, and began to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with me-my brain just works a little differently than those who have a healthy relationship with alcohol.

I have never been diagnosed with Alcoholism, or Alcohol Use Disorder, but I have known from a young age that this disease runs in my family. Deep down I guess I always knew there was a possibility that this could be responsible for my destructive drinking habits, but I always thought that I was too young to develop it. However, looking back on all the self-destructive behavior and lack of restraint…it kinda makes perfect sense.

I want to try and explain from my perspective what exactly goes on in my brain when I’m drinking, in hopes that I can help reduce the stigma and help others who might be able to relate to what I am about to say.

The best way I can describe my thoughts is through this recent scenario:

I was 35 days sober, the longest I had ever gone without a drink since I first started drinking as a teenager. I was killing it at school, and I had just had a stellar interview for a potential summer internship. I was angry that I couldn’t celebrate with a drink, the only way I have ever learned to celebrate anything. I allowed myself to believe that I deserved to drink, and that this time, it would be different. I had spent over a month self-reflecting and I had convinced myself that my mindset towards drinking had shifted and that I would be able to know when enough was enough.

I went “brewery hopping” for a friend’s birthday and I told my boyfriend (the only one who knew at the time what I was going through) that I would stop after 2 beers. At the first brewery, I didn’t order anything. I was chatty with everyone, talking and laughing, happy and sober. At the second brewery, I ordered a Mango IPA, and I’m not kidding, the instant that I started feeling slightly buzzed, my brain flipped a switch and I knew that nothing had changed. I went quiet and couldn’t focus on the conversation at hand because my mind was racing with a million thoughts:

“How much alcohol is in this?” “How can I increase this feeling?” “How many more of these will I have?” “Are we going to keep drinking when we get go home?” “How can I get another beer without my bf seeing?” “Do other people feel as buzzed as me?” etc.

This is what happens every time I drink and IT IS EXHAUSTING.

Long story short, I ended up drinking more than I had planned to that day. I should have known that nothing had changed. After all, I had been trapped in this vicious cycle for months. A cycle of drinking in excess, followed by staying sober for a few weeks, convincing myself I had evolved, attempting to drink again and realizing that nothing had changed, followed by intense feelings of shame and guilt over and over and over again.

I saw a quote once that read, “real growth starts whenyou’re tired of your own shit” and I. FELT. THAT.

I am tired of making promises that I cannot keep.

I am tired of allowing alcohol to negatively affect my life.

And I am tired of hiding this side of me from people, especially when I know that sharing my story could potentially help someone else dealing with similar feelings.

I want to break out of this cycle once and for all.

This is why I cannot have “just one” drink. At this point of my life, I have proven to myself repeatedly that moderation will not work. So now, I am committed to staying sober and sipping on La Croix’s no matter how badly I want a White Claw.

To learn more about my story, watch my YouTube video here.