How I Am Dealing with Negative Thoughts About My Past
It's no secret that I've done some pretty horrible things in my drinking days. If you've been following the blog for a while, you know I am an open book when it comes to my past. I try and be as open and vulnerable as possible so that I can help the most people as possible. And despite all the people who have reached out to me saying they are inspired by what I am doing, I still often struggle with negative feelings about my past. Allow me to explain.
My friends and family would describe me as kind, warm, and empathetic. When I am sober, I carefully choose the words I am using, I think about others' feelings before my own, and I work hard to make sure everyone I'm talking with feels understood.
When I am drinking, I am agitated and rude, I am careless with my words, and I am selfish in my actions. In other words, I forget my true self. This has caused me to treat people poorly and do many things I regret. I have damaged my relationships with the ones I love and have left negative impressions on people that I will likely never be able to fix.
If we're getting specific here, let's talk about high school. I embarrassed myself a whole lot back then as a result of my drinking. I even gained a drunk alter ego named "Victoria" who got aggressive and rude when I was blacked out. I hurt people in high school and I've hurt people in college as well. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is the fact that my sobriety does not change the things I've done.
Since I've gotten sober, I have viewed people that know me in one of two ways. First, I think of the people who know me enough to know that I was a drunk ass bitch, but not well enough to know that is not all that I am. I feel like grabbing these people by the shoulders and screaming, "LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK AT HOW WELL I'M DOING!" I want them to have a better impression of me than the negative one my drinking left on them.
And then, on the other hand, I think of the people who know me well aka my parents, my friends, and my family. After getting sober, I have managed to rebuild the trust between us. My relationships with them have only gotten stronger. They have seen me at my worst and have seen the hard work I've put in first hand. So...why do I treat these people like they don't matter? Why do I choose to focus on the people who aren't acknowledging my successes vs the ones who are?
"What you choose to focus on becomes your reality." This quote by Jen Sincero from the book You Are A Badass inspired me to write this post. It is easy for anyone to see their life as miserable or "not going as planned" when they are only focusing on the negative aspects. If I continue to focus on the negative things I've done in my past vs the positive changes I'm making now...my life easily becomes this negative bottomless pit. Instead, if I choose to direct my attention away from the negative and try my best to focus on the positive, my life get instantly better. The mind is a very powerful thing.
Of course, if you have really hurt someone, there is always the option of apologizing. I did not take part in AA, but I know steps 8 and 9 are to "make a list of all persons we had harmed, and be willing to make amends to them all" and "make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others". As I said before, the thoughts I deal with on a daily basis sometimes involve the people I've hurt that I don't necessarily remember. I've openly apologized to "everyone I've hurt" on my Instagram and Youtube channel, but it still doesn't feel like enough. This is the problem I am currently working through.
I know there are many people out there who are struggling with the same things I am. I know that "focusing on the positive" is easier said than done. Here are a few things I going to do from now on to stop focusing on the negative thoughts about my past (feel free to join me ☺️):
Focus on the people who ARE supporting me vs. the ones who AREN'T.
Come to terms with the fact that I cannot change everyones minds.
Realize that I cannot change the past, so there is no sense in dwelling on it. The only thing I can control is how I move forward in the world.
Practice gratitude everyday by writing down what I am grateful for each morning.
Instead of thinking about my past in a negative way, I will view it as a way to see how far I've come.
Apologize to others when necessary.